on being a mother

For as long as I can remember, I always thought I should be married by 21, and, it was because I desired to love somebody. I knew that whomever I was going to marry, I was going to love this man with more than I had. We would have children. We would be in love. I’ve never really told anyone {before I even knew who I’d marry} how I had ever felt about becoming a mother. There was every bone in my body that knew I was put on this planet to be a wife, and more so, to be a mother.
Now, as a mother to a 13 month old boy, I can say that my motherly desires growing up have been everything that I had ever imagined. I can’t ever remember myself dreaming about a wedding, or dreaming about how my life would be as husband and wife, but I can say that I had always dreamed of raising a child.
For the longest time after I had met my one and only, I expressed my desire for children. We both knew that it would come, but we also wanted to relish in our own love for each other. My husband, Chad, and I were married shortly after we started dating… is 6 weeks quick? Not for us.
Our parents were both shocked. I remember meeting his mother. She quizzed me about how much I loved him and even asked me his favorite color {we hadn’t even gotten to the basic stuff yet, there was so much about each other we were intrigued about that the basics were overlooked… for now}. I had no idea what this woman even thought of me, and of course, I had guessed his favorite color miserably wrong. What was I thinking? Orange?! And after I had said it, I immediately thought, “What guy’s favorite color is ORANGE?!” My self-conscious looked at me, eyebrow raised, and face-palmed herself with embarrassment…
We were married on February 29th, 2008, with no one to bear witness to us confessing our love for each other except a long forgotten co-worker of mine. We always told each other that we would have a proper ceremony on our “first” anniversary, since it was leap day when we married and it wouldn’t come but once every four years. Up until this day, our families had never met each other, except my little brother meeting his family when he flew over to Tennessee to welcome me off my returning plane from Afghanistan {which he then traveled to Chad’s family’s place with us for a few days}.
Here I am, pregnant with our first child.
Becoming a mother was everything I had dreamed of when our No.1 was born.
See the mascara stains? Yep, he was {and still is} 
so precious.
And just look at how he loved me immediately;
what more can he do than to give me a
loving look than that?
We held true to our proper wedding and our families finally met on the beautiful, white, sandy beaches of Florida; a neutral ground for all of us. It was a quaint wedding {I had planned, designed, and organized everything by myself} and only family attended {21 total, including the “bride” and “groom” and our then 9 month old}.
Since we were already married, my son got
to “walk” me down the aisle.
Here is what our wedding on the beach looked like. Simple,  timeless, classic.
Embraced by family, and love.
Right after our vows were renewed. So happy. So in love.
Who knew that getting “re-married” four years after we were already
married we would still be so nervous, so emotional. It was such
a relief after it was done. Here is a special moment we shared together
on the beach afterwards, relishing again in our love.

Our Wedding Photographer {here} and {here}

Coming from a very small family {well, family that I know}, we total a grandest SIX, including me, I didn’t know the first thing about raising a child. However, as time went, this child of ours and I, we bonded. We loved each other before we knew each other. I cried, just a bit, when he was in my arms for the first time; and today, he makes me proud. He is so caring {he feeds me!}, thoughtful {he hugs me!}, and loving {he is… addicted to me!}
Finding out how to mother a child has been interesting. Life can get frustrating with being a mother, but I can’t look at him and imagine life without him.
Now, almost four and a half years after marrying, we are expecting our second child.
Our No.2 is due in 5 months. We find out the gender in 8. Long. Days. I never anticipated so much on finding the gender out about No.1, but now, with No.2, if it’s a girl, we will be tightening, pinching, squeezing, suffocating every last precious penny in our budget to make room for, well, a whole new gender of baby things.
I can’t quit thinking to myself how nervous I am about being a mother of two. How will I do it? Our No.1 is so attached to me, that I have no idea how he will be taking having No.2 spend time with his one-and-only-girl… I am a little saddened about the fact that I will not be able to cherish our time together, just the two of us, as I do now. He is such a joy! But, I know that our No.2 will be just as amazing, loved, loving, and everything we know about loving our child(ren).
Our hearts will be bigger.
But that still doesn’t mean I can’t be nervous about being a mother of two… I know what I’m getting into now. 😉
Here I am, swelling in the belly as my heart continues to swell, making room for yet another Little to love.
19wks5d
Do you think I am just as big as the first time?
For me, it’s hard to tell… I thought I was small,
but after seeing these, I’m not so sure!
Either way, bigger or smaller, or even just the same, we love this baby. We are overjoyed with our second child on the way.
Did anyone else struggle with feelings about how their first child would feel about a little brother or sister? I’d love to hear how they/you coped.
Love to all,
E L I S E

One thought on “on being a mother

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