Because I am certain I will be visiting Gasworks Park again, I’ve titled this, “Gasworks Park 1”.
And, I’ll warn you now: things are about to get real here.
I’ve been here before, as many have as well. Today’s visit was different, although you wouldn’t know it if you were with me in person. My two boys and I spent the day with my mom and dad, and big brother J with a trip to the zoo following a sunset at Gasworks. It was Father’s Day.
This year was the first year I had gotten to spend father’s day with my own dad in ten years. It was over nine years ago that I had decided that I was meant for bigger things than anything that could be offered to me in my hometown; I joined the military. This is currently where the boys’ dad is: serving his time in Korea (boy, doesn’t that sure sound like exile when I say it that way?). Today, I kept thinking about how amazing it is to finally be here with my family after such a long separation, but I also couldn’t wipe away the thought of my husband, not that I really wanted to either.
While I was out all day, my mind would keep me from the present and the activity about my physical being. There is so much about my life I currently struggle with, and most of the time, it’s quite a secret. Today was no different. I was struggling with the fact that my family had been split apart. This thought is on my mind day in, and day out; sun up and sun down… This missing part of my life.
We’ve passed the 100 day mark of our 300+ coming. Not a day has gotten easier. Around me, I’ve struggled to find the beauty in life, including my own beauty. I’ve pushed through the days mulling about in my own personal misery since the boys can’t exactly speak their own miseries or joys or worries or cares with me. I see things and ache when I want my husband to be able to see it too. I ache when there is so much the boys are doing and he is gone.
When I pick up a camera, something happens to me. Somehow all the things around me become beautiful. The feelings I find that I want to share become real. The memories I want to save forever are saved. Everything around me is beautiful, except… me. Viewing myself is a struggle. Looking at my own life is horrifying because I feel like what I’ve been building up has been ripped away. Everything I have tried to do is just… falling apart. The good things are getting pushed aside with all the terrible things being brought upon us from separation.
And so, I just wait. Wait for the days to pass. Wait for the sun to rise (yes, I have early risers!!) and the sun to fall.
Remember the promises we made. Remember the amazing love that we share. Remember how honestly perfect we are for each other. Remember the life that we shared and will continue to share. Remember that there will be more to come.
And for now, the sun has fallen on this day, and will continue to fall on many more. When the sun rises on the day that we are reunited, I won’t so much mind seeing the sun disappear below the edge and produce a beautiful, warm, purple palette on the sky.
In fact, I kind of look forward to it.
E L I S E