Finding Joy

I birthed two boys and a girl. These kids have been my solid foundation, my return to love, my you’re-driving-me-crazy… my deepest loves.

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They have meant the world to me as I’ve gone through days, in and out with them.

My boys have saved me from deeply dark days, taught me how to be more compassionate and to raise with a purpose, made me grow in ways I wasn’t considering, and have tested me as a mother and a human. I hate yelling at them, I do. But sometimes… there isn’t enough time to go around for me to teach them effectively. I mean, hello… three kids!

I didn’t expect another baby to be the catapulting factor to change my life. I didn’t expect that raising a baby girl would be any different than raising boys. I didn’t expect to feel a different mothering style would be appropriate.

Living in this current generation, this current inherited collective, I had been rigid. I had been forceful in parenting. I had been angry at a more significant rate than I am now. I was not as compassionate. I was over-masculinized in my humanness.

Birthing my baby girl from the get-go, before knowing she would be female, changed me.

I decided that I wanted a natural birth, a natural process. No epidural, no interruption on my body from doing its job. I didn’t want to doubt what my body was made for; for its natural instincts to be compromised. I didn’t want birth to happen to me; I wanted to experience it.

I had read about the experience of birthing naturally, awed in the magic of it, the connection to partner, feminine power, Gaia earth. I voiced my desires to my life partner, Chad, my husband of 8 years, and he understood. He fully supported me in making the choice to birth naturally. I had a plan, typed it out, printed it, gave everyone copies, and most importantly, Chad fully spoke up in support of my desires.

When I birthed my boys, I accepted the physical interruption as the “norm” and didn’t trust my body or myself to do the job I was made to do. I birthed them both with edpidurals, untrusting of my capability to birth naturally. To be fair, that’s what I thought we were “supposed to do”

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Birthing my baby girl, I began by trusting my body to do what I was made to do. I trusted the feelings I had in my body and my own intuition. I prepared by loving the experience and reciting and reading mantras that ensured me my body was doing the right things.

I didn’t know, that when she had graced the outer world, that she would plant my own seed of divine feminine.

She planted in me the opportunity to allow myself intuition, knowing, trusting, inner wisdom. And for this, I will never shy from teaching this to her, to my boys.

Women were afraid of the power of a woman’s body. Let me say that again. Women were afraid of themselves! As we wake up, this is all changing. We’re finding, hearing, and acting on our intuition. We’re carving out space for creativity. We are speaking truth in mindful and purposeful ways. We are searching from within, to change without.

In a world where we live with anger as our first emotion, we aren’t wearing our hearts on our sleeve. Let’s change that. Stop reaching for the immediate, the easy answer, the forceful emotion, the rigid form. Reach instead for compassion, for love, for understanding, for purposeful engagement, for fluidity. B r e a t h e and collect yourself before responding. Are you responding from a place of love?

Reach for it so that you can reach it to your children’s generation, like I am. Be the change, today. Trust yourself. Grow. Be compassionate. Be authentically you.

Because… it’s the most freeing feeling to own yourself, you life, your past present and future… Separate your cord from the inherited collective and find your truth in your inner wisdom. Inspire compassion, love, kindness, fluidity.

And I can’t wait to teach this in depth to my kids. They are, after all, my pride and joy.

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